A bomb exploded in my life 2 months ago.
It had been there for a few years already, although I didn’t know what it was.
I’d been tiptoeing around it,
Eventually I started living on it,
Not noticing how normal it had become,
Not even really acknowledging that it was there.
Then it exploded underneath me.
For a few days I lived from my old stories and programming,
And I watched myself free-falling.
I knew I needed to find a different way.
I decided to live this,
Guided by the belief that it was happening for me, exactly as it was meant to,
In order for me to become who I am supposed to be*.
I would live this from the closest version of my highest self that I could access.
Somehow I knew
That I would only be able to access my essence
If my physical body was light and empty.
If I binged uncontrollably,
Which was my lifelong pattern during difficult times,
The excess food would create a barrier between the person I have created
And the person I truly am.
So, in addition to losing my ground
I also decided to eliminate my crutch.
And I’ve been free-floating ever since.
It’s much scarier than using food as pretend-stability.
It feels pure.
Every event is felt, sensed and reacted to in such a pure way.
Then, this weekend,
For the first time,
A possibility of light entered that had never been born before.
An experience of dreamy and soul-opening connection.
And this morning, I woke up thinking I would have a muffin and latte for breakfast.
With the minute melting of emotional vigilance
A thought of numbing food returns.
And then, a reminder to myself:
Just as a light physical vessel will guide me through the shrapnel and destruction,
During intimacy and melty love
An empty body will elevate this to a soul connection.
And a full body will muffle the possibility.
For today, I’m allowing my highest self to guide me to my blender for a green smoothie for breakfast instead.
For today, the muffin will remain on the counter.
Tomorrow, I don’t know, and it won’t matter either way.
Maybe I’ll eat the muffin.
Maybe it will grow stale.
There will be many muffin opportunities
And there will also be many more opportunities to be guided by my highest self,
The essence of who I am meant to be.
*with unending gratitude to my colleague and friend, Deb Butler, for refusing to let me forget this, no matter how many times I wanted to resist this intrinsic wisdom.